What is an Intimate Partners Relationship Check-in?
A relationship check-in is a time for those in a relationship to communicate about how things are going relationship-wise.
You are wondering that you and your intimate partner already talk constantly, what is the point of this check-in with each other?
The focus of the intimate partners' relationship check-up is only on the relationship. It is relationship focused. Whilst you have other conversations likely involving everything else such as running the household to where you’re going to vacation next, this check-in session is centred solely on your relationship.
The importance of it is to create a space where talking about any relationship issues is welcome and expected. If you’ve got something delicate to bring up to your partner, the intimate partner check-in meeting is an ideal time, when both of you are present and ready to discuss some deep, important stuff. However, it is important to focus on both positive and negative things affecting the intimate partner relationship.
How Often Should You Check-In With Your Partner?
Some of the relationship advice out there suggests a weekly relationship meeting is ideal, but I think that whatever works for you and your partner is what makes sense.
For most intimate partners, a bi-weekly or monthly relationship check-in is probably going to attend to their needs. It is up to you and feel free to experiment and see what works for you.
How Do You Do a Relationship Check-In?
The relationship check-in will help you to discover if you are on the same page in the relationship and it can help to identify areas that may need work at the same time. It can check both: if your needs are being met and if not, it offers an opportunity to talk through how to resolve issues. It is also an opportunity to reflect on and celebrate what’s going well in your relationship.
Follow the simple seven-step relationship check-in steps to have your successful relationship check-in:
1. Pick A Regular Time
It is important to be relaxed, present, and in good spirits, so be mindful when scheduling your relationship check-in. Avoid scheduling it after a long day at work, or right before you need to rush out the door. You want to bring your best to these meetings.
2. Set The Scene
The relationship check-in is a time to slow down and connect with each other. Make it feel a little special.
You can bring your favourite snacks and drinks or have them in a place that feels good to you. It is important to be in a private space to allow you to feel comfortable getting real with each other.
Please notice if drinking alcohol is a trigger for the relationship choose a non-alcoholic drink.
3. Set A Time Limit
Ideally, you aim it for around 30 minutes maximum to begin with because you do not want this to become a huge time sink or a chore, so aim.
4. Celebrate & Appreciate Each Other
A suggestion is to always start with the good stuff to help you remember all the nice things about your marriage, even if you have some more challenging topics to discuss. Appreciation is the secret sauce of a great relationship.
5. Take Turns Answering Questions
This is where you get to choose-your-own-adventure and challenges. It can be a short form and a long form.
It is better a shorter format if you are going to have your check-ins more regularly. If you prefer the more in-depth extended version then go for monthly or quarterly. It is also about what fits your needs and schedule for you.
You can also mix-and-match based on how deep you want to go or how much time you have available.
6. Choose An Action Item
It is important to integrate the insights from your relationship check-in and pick an action that you each want to commit to. Review the action in the next Intimate Partners Check-in.
7. Finish On A High
You can wrap up making it fun to celebrate again. High-five each other, have a cuddle or a smooch, a kiss or whatever works for you.
Even if things get a little tense or something feels unresolved, find a way to come back to each other and your belief in your relationship.
A suggestion is when we are working through some difficult issue, you will always finish with, “We’ve got this. We’ll work it out.” Does not matter if we do not know how because together you always find a way.
Having a serious intimate partners’ meeting
To conclude, it offers you the chance to dream, too. Your check-in does not need to include only an assessment of what’s happening currently. It can be a place for the two of you to talk about the future, coming up with the intimate partner relationship goals you share or simply the dreams and plans you have for your life together. Tailor this meeting exactly what you need.
As a suggestion but it is not a rule, there is a list of a few questions you can ask one another. Use whichever one works for you.
Why Are Relationship Check-Ins Important?
It is a way to keep your relationship on track by practising a regular relationship check-in. It can help prevent arguments and disagreements by speaking about issues when they surface and remaining focused on creating the type of intimate relationship you want.
It is a simple and healthy practice to have a healthy relationship. It will bring other positive outcomes in your relationship such as:
More Trust
Getting together to speak about your relationship shapes safety and security. Your partner and you will feel reassured that nothing will get swept under the rug. You feel that your partner is listening and they care about meeting your wants and needs.
Fewer Arguments
Practising the intimate partners' relationship check-ins will facilitate a drastic decrease in conflicts. The result is less tension bubbling away under the surface. This leads the intimate partners/husband and wife to focus more on the things that brought them together.
More Presence
Setting a time will help to avoid dreading starting a discussion about relationship issues that are bothering you and you do not worry about when is the “right time”. It will help you to be more fully present and enjoy each other in everyday life.
More Appreciation
Positive reinforcement helps you both feel more appreciated, valued, and invested in the relationship. So when starting each check-in with what’s working helps you to be focused on the healthy aspects of your relationship.
More Quality Time
We live in this digital era it is so easy to get busy and distracted with many things. So people get stuck in the busyness of life, especially in the digital world, and it is easy to disregard spending quality time together. Intimate partners' relationship check-in is an important exercise to bring the intimate relationship on track again but it is not the only important time you should be spending together. You can plan other activities to create more emotional intimacy and connection in your relationship.
More Relationship Satisfaction
The reality shows that many people fall easily under the pressure of the modern days of life without really thinking about how to attend to their partner and their wants and needs. Regularly intimate partners check-in maintains the intimate partners focused on their bigger picture goals and the “why” of your relationship. It’s how you intentionally create a conscious relationship.
Relationship Check-in Questions
· What went well in our relationship this week? (This month?)
· What poorly went this week? How can we fix it?
· What is something I did this week that made you feel loved?
· How could I help you more regularly?
· What is something I can do regularly to make you feel loved and appreciated?
· Is there something I’ve done that upset or hurt you this week? How can I make it better?
· Did we make time for closeness and connection this week? If not, how can we prioritize that in the future?
· Is there something we need to work on as a couple to have a stronger relationship?
· What are your main stressors right now? How can I help?
· What can I do to help or support you in the coming week?
· How are you feeling about our sex life?
· How would you rate our communication this week? How can we improve?
· Are we on track with our big-picture goals and relationship vision?
· Anything else you want to share with me?
· Don’t forget to talk also about what went well!
Common Mistakes To Avoid
Let’s think about possible difficulties that you may encounter in your relationship check-in making you feel like a chore at best, and just an opportunity to fight at worst.
Avoid To Bring All Your Problems At Once
It is helpful to pick one meaningful thing at a time and have time to discuss and close the discussion. You will always be able to address other stuff next time.
Be realistic about
The intimate partners’ relationship check-in is not going to fix all of your problems by itself. If you’re dealing with some bigger issues, or you keep getting stuck on one topic, it might be time to call in outside support.
Life Is To Celebrate
What’s not working is perceived by our hardwired brain (negativity bias). It can be helpful for problem-solving and innovation but if it is left unchecked it’ll damage your relationship.
Sometimes it is hard work to see the things that are already working, but it’s important to give yourselves credit. You need always to find things to appreciate and celebrate in your intimate partner’s relationship.
Avoid Letting It Drag On
If your intimate partners, relationship check practice is overdoing and is more than an hour+ deep dive every single week, you might start to resent them – or worse, each other. Less is often more, so keep it short.
Avoid Criticism
Take this opportunity to own your feelings and behaviours. Instead of ‘you’ say ‘I’. The intimate partners' relationship check-ins are not to be used to condemn your partner or draw attention to all their flaws. If you complain about something frame it as a request, rather than an attack and make yourself clear about what it is you want to address. It is important to bring the ‘I’ position E.g. ’I feel that you hurt me.’ Instead of ‘You hurt me.’
It is not the time for ‘Life Admin’
It is advisable to maintain the everyday life planning stuff out of your intimate partners' relationship review. If you need to do ‘live admin’, organise a different meeting beforehand such as organising core housework. Maintain your intimate partners' relationship check-in focused on your relationship.
Be careful when having Alcohol
It may be tempting to open and drink a whole bottle of wine or have tequila shots. Alcohol can make the Intimate Partners’ Relationship check-in counterproductive.
It is not about controlling here but we know from clients’ experience how a few too many drinks can make the conversation messier, not better.
If drinking alcohol is one of the triggers of the difficulties in your relationship please change the alcoholic drinks for a mock cocktail, soft drinks, juice or hot beverages. It is up to your taste and also an opportunity to try something different.
Always Have Fun!
For some couples when they first start their relationship check-ins, they organise snacks and card games. This may be a stimulus to come back every week and celebrate.
As the life and weekly schedules change so too the check-ins. You can have them over coffee dates, during a walk in the park and cuddling up on the couch together.
Sometimes check-ins can get a little serious and that’s okay. In general, you choose this to be a time where you come together, connect, celebrate each other, and consciously work on making your relationship the best that it can be.
I hope you have fun and it will be a useful practice to enrich your relationship.
Please share the website blog link to download the 'Intimate Partner Relationship Check-in Can Help You To Transform Your Relationship' leaflet.
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References:
Hartle, A. (2022). This Relationship Check-In Can Help You Rock Your Marriage. Two Drifters, Dreamers, and Adventurers. https://twodrifters.us/blog/relationship-check-in.html
Stockhausen, R. and Milton, J. (2024) This 5min Relationship Check-In Will Transform Your Marriage, Practical Intimacy. Available at: https://practicalintimacy.com/relationship-check-in/ (Accessed: 23 April 2024).
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