Deepening Couple Intimacy in Therapy with Dr David Schnarch's Six Essential Tips

Couples often present in therapy with a sense of disconnection—emotionally, physically, and sexually.

Dr David Schnarch, a pioneer in the field of intimacy and sexual health, outlined six practices in his article Six Tips for Creating a More Passionate Relationship (Crucible Therapy). Each can be adapted for clinical use, offering couples direct opportunities to experience one another differently.

Couples often present in therapy with a sense of disconnection - emotionally, physically, and sexually. While partners may long for greater  sexual health, they frequently struggle with entrenched patterns that undermine intimacy. As therapists, we can provide structured experiences that allow couples to step into vulnerability and practice authentic connection in the room.

Dr David Schnarch, a pioneer in the field of intimacy and sexual health, outlined six practices in his article Six Tips for Creating a More Passionate Relationship (Crucible Therapy). Each can be adapted for clinical use, offering couples direct opportunities to experience one another differently.

Below are applications of these practices, along with examples of how to introduce them in-session.

1. Operate from the Best in Yourself

Clinical Application: Invite each partner to identify qualities in themselves they most value (e.g., resilience, patience, humour). In session, ask them to speak directly to their partner from this part of themselves.

Exercise: Have each partner share one way they want to bring their “best self” forward in the relationship. Encourage eye contact while speaking to reinforce mutual recognition.

While partners may long for greater closeness, they frequently struggle with entrenched patterns that undermine intimacy.

2. Sustain Eye Contact Out of Bed

Clinical Application: Many couples stop making sustained, nonverbal contact. Practicing eye gazing in session can be an immediate intervention.

Exercise: Guide partners to sit facing one another and hold eye contact silently for three minutes. Coach them to notice resistance, soften their gaze, and breathe. Afterward, debrief: What emotions arose? What was difficult or surprising?

3. Try Hugging ‘Till Relaxed

Clinical Application: Physical closeness often reveals relational dynamics. Couples may feel tension, resistance, or comfort in a prolonged embrace.

Exercise: Have partners stand, ground themselves, and engage in a hug until both notice a shift toward relaxation. Encourage them to breathe deeply and resist breaking away too soon. Afterwards, invite them to share internally observed feelings without criticism or blame.

4. Make Eye Contact in Bed (Heads on Pillows)

Clinical Application: This activity can be introduced as a homework assignment but framed in session first. It builds on eye gazing while lying down, supporting relaxed physical intimacy without immediate sexual pressure.

Exercise (Homework): Suggest that partners lie side by side at home, heads on pillows, and practice sustained eye contact for five minutes. Instruct them to focus on emotional connection rather than sexual escalation. In subsequent sessions, process their experiences.

5. Change Your Style of Sexual Interactions

Clinical Application: Sexual routines often become rigid, with predictable giver/receiver roles. Therapy provides a safe space to explore intentional shifts.

Exercise (Discussion-Based): Ask each partner to identify their typical role in sexual interactions. Then, have them each describe one small way they might shift this role (e.g., initiating instead of waiting, receiving instead of giving). Frame it as an experiment in flexibility rather than performance.

6. Pay Attention to Depth of Involvement

Clinical Application: Couples often focus on physical gratification rather than emotional engagement. Redirecting attention to partner involvement creates deeper intimacy.

Exercise (Reflection): After discussing a recent sexual encounter, ask each partner to rate (1–10) how much they felt emotionally engaged with their partner, beyond physical sensations. Use their responses to explore ways to cultivate more mutual awareness.

Conclusion

These exercises allow couples to practice intimacy directly in session, rather than only discussing it abstractly. By guiding partners through sustained eye contact, intentional touch, and new relational roles, therapists create opportunities for embodied connection.

Dr. Schnarch’s six tips offer a valuable framework for integrating experiential intimacy practices into couple therapy, fostering both emotional resilience and sexual vitality.

Reference:

Schnarch, D. (n.d.). Six Tips for Creating a More Passionate Relationship. Crucible Therapy. Retrieved from http://crucibletherapy.com/six-tips-creating-more-passionate-relationship